


The Note

by antisocialheadphones



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Connor left a note, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, This is literally pure angst, Vomiting, referenced panic attacks, you can interpret connor knowing evan’s name and using it casually in the letter however you want to
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 19:26:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 677
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13620117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/antisocialheadphones/pseuds/antisocialheadphones
Summary: Connor left a note. It just lay unread due to a certain letter he’d forgotten was in the pocket of his jacket.





	The Note

**Author's Note:**

> This is just. Really sad. Forgive me.

Evan finds the note by mistake.

He’s in Connor’s room, looking over all the things strewn across his desk. Countless worn comics, a bong, a pair of shoes that look hardly worn. He feels out of place. This is the place that his fabled “best friend” took his own life. This room is where the lie started. He doesn’t belong here, and he knows this, but still something draws him here.

It’s a mistake when he accidentally knocks a small figurine off the desk, and it rolls underneath. As he bends down to pick it up and replace it where it had been, he notices something he hadn’t seen before. A piece of paper, slightly crumpled, sticking partly out from underneath the desk. He picks it up, examining it. It’s a handwritten note, scrawled in a shaky, barely legible penmanship that Evan quickly realizes is Connor’s.

It’s a mistake that he reads it.

 

_i made a deal with myself when i left this morning that if i could find one reason, one single reason to stick around, then i’d wait. maybe not do it at all. but nothing has changed. i tried talking to evan before i left school. i don’t even know why i did. he was one of the last people still there i guess, and i’ve never really talked to him before. i guess a part of me hoped that maybe he’d give me a reason that i shouldn't do it? but of course he ended up being just like the rest of them. i still have the fucking letter he wrote somewhere, if you find it just throw it out or give it back to him, i don’t really give a fuck. i know it’s mostly my fault, i fucked my own life over, i alienated myself, and i don’t know how else to fix it. but you know, it doesn't help that you never fucking listened. you believe that it wasn’t just for attention now, larry? you’re fucking god awful parents and didn’t do shit to try and help me. you’ve made it pretty fucking obvious that you don’t care. maybe now you’ll be better off like you wanted oh so badly! now you won’t have to worry about me acting like a fucking psycho all the time, wondering what went wrong that you ended up with such a fucked up kid! or maybe nothing will change. that probably more accurate. i bet no one will care._

_connor_

 

Evan drops the paper, hurrying out of the room as quickly and quietly as he can and running into the bathroom, only just making it to the toilet before he vomits. Connor did write a note. Evan was part of the reason that Connor killed himself. This is the explanation that they were meant to receive. Instead now they believe Evan’s letter to be Connor’s last message. A thousand thoughts are racing through his mind; why did Connor know his name, why didn’t the Murphy’s find this letter, why didn’t he try harder to stop Connor after he left the computer lab? He could have stopped this from ever happening, if he’d done something Connor might still be alive. He can feel tears running down his face and he clutches his stomach, gasping. How did he manage to work himself into this mess?

Evan sits there in the bathroom for a few more minutes, breathing heavily, trying to calm himself down, trying to stave off a panic attack. Then he rises, flushing the toilet and cleaning himself up. When he returns to the room he picks up the note, staring at it blankly. After a minute, he folds it and slips it into his pocket. Eventually, he’ll have to tell them the truth. He knows he can’t live this lie for forever. Eventually he’ll tell them, and eventually he’ll give them the note. Once they know the truth.

It’s a mistake that he doesn’t give it to them then. Because maybe if he had it would have saved everyone just that much more grief.


End file.
